I Have Not Been Home In Three Years!

As a child, I would look up at the planes flying high above my rural community. I would imagine where they were going and think about the beautiful, exciting and rare items that were a part of their cargo. I wondered if the people could see me waving. I made a promise to myself that one day I would be looking down waving to all the children waving and I would wave back. I was determined to travel the world, living and experiencing different cultures because the Earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof.

Over the last three years, I Have travelled to other countries but not my beloved home. When I think of home, I can hear Children playing from sunrise to sunset, raindrops beating a steady tune on the roof and the water rushing along the roadside into gullies. I can see hills and mountains a variety of green so rich and vibrant it pulls you in. I can feel the warmth of the Caribbean sun gently kissing my skin. I can hear genuine laughter coming from the bottom of bellies. All these memories bring on an involuntary smile awakening my heart to pause in a moment of silence, thanking God for such a beautiful place that I get to call home, Jamaica.

When I think of Jamaica, my parents come to mind; I know that I am not getting younger and crave time with them now more than ever. It is so strange that when ( for some of us) we are young we can’t wait to be on our own. But when we do venture off into the real world we develop an unexplainable need to be with those who have journeyed further on this journey of life than us. We understand that their experiences and lessons learned are like rudders that can steer our own lives.

Three years ago, when I visited my beautiful home Jamaica, I had an experience that altered my views. This altering has split the spectacular image I have in my head of my homeland into a puzzle consisting of two contradicting pieces; one of unspeakable beauty and the other of an undeveloped shadow of uncertainty. An uncertainty of what could be if you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time. It all started when my husband and I went out to get food; we had no intentions of dining out. We were not naive to the dangers we could face being out late. The restaurant we visited was packed to capacity, so we had to wait for our food longer than we anticipated. Around 6:45 p.m, we were making our way home. I was taken up with seeing the people walking around in the town. I could feel the warmth and vibes that Jamaicans are known for around the world. People were shouting to get attention and others were all dressed up just talking with friends. Seeing the people socializing brought joy to my heart.

We were now out of the town and making our way home talking about any and everything. I noticed my husband was not saying much after some time. I asked him if he was ok. He responded by saying “The car behind us has been following us from in the town.” “I have slowed down a few times for them to pass, but they have not taken any of the opportunities I have given them.” My heart lost track of its normal pace and started beating a rhythm of its own so loud I could literally hear it outside of my chest. I tried to remain calm and managed to utter “Well, we will be turning off the main road soon if the car turns in with us then we need to be worried.”

The car did what we were fearing. I started praying and called home to share that we were being followed. I told my husband not to turn into the road leading to the house when we got there because the road was a dead-end. We decided to pass where we were actually going and drive into the nearby town where there would be numerous people gathered at that time of the night. When we did this, the car stopped abruptly and turned off into a dirt road and made a turn for the main road. We had a narrow escape, but that experience is always playing on our minds when we are planning to travel home to Jamaica.

There are people like myself I believe who want to visit their homeland Jamaica. However, when they think about their safety, they decide to stay in the land they are claiming as their second home or go to other places. Where I now live, our windows and doors do not have burglar bars. Children are in the streets riding their bikes and talking with their friends at all hours of the night. There are no perfect places in the world, but in the country I now live, I can go to sleep without worrying that my doors might get kicked in. I go to sleep with the hope that more than likely, I will wake up in the morning even though my windows and doors are not barred, things will be in their rightful places.

Sometimes I dream of making a difference in Jamaica, possibly starting a business that would provide jobs for families in need, but I know the moment I venture into that direction, I can become a target. Some people share this sentiment, wanting to invest in their home Jamaica but are feeling the way I do. Jamaica is a country with so many resources. However, the potential cannot be fully realized because of the virulent culture that is upon us as a nation. People are afraid to take a chance for a better Jamaica. I dream of a Jamaica in which its people can tap into its resources that have been given by God. A Jamaica that is developing and growing like any other country in the world. Again, there are no perfect countries in the world, but some countries are working in the best interest of their citizens.

Now I am hours away from my first home in a pandemic and going to Jamaica seems even more distant. There are so many risks associated with travelling for hours with two toddlers and the dark images that are being formed when looking on Jamaica from afar. My son has not been home to Jamaica for so long he is losing interest in going. My husband is in protective mode, thinking about our safety. We are in unknown waters where this pandemic is concerned and travelling should be a necessity and not leisure. The state of the world however, does not change the desire I have to share with my children the relatively safe Jamaica I once knew that has left so many beautiful impressions on my mind.

When I think of Jamaica I do not want to think about safety all the time, there are some experiences I would love to relive sooner rather than later;

1. I would like to wake up to the birds singing and the goats bawling in the bushes.
2. It would be nice to hear the bees buzzing on the Spanish Needles.
3. Listen to stories about the olden days in a candlelit room when the light goes out and not thinking when we will meet again because going home is relatively safe.
4. To feel the rain on my skin on a casual walk or the breeze when I am travelling up a hill.
5. The smell of grass delicately kissed with the morning dew.
6. The taste of fruits in season.
7. To see children playing freely in the streets with their friends from sunrise to sunset.
8. I want to experience a Sunday evening of games and laughter and not look over my shoulder.

I wonder if my children will get to experience the relatively safe Jamaica that I knew? Will they get to play cricket with a Chubby bottle filled with stones? Will they make dolls and their clothes out of paper? Will they ever get to see a truck made out of a box drink box? Will they get to go to church at nights to fall asleep on the benches? Will they get to count the stars that awoken my imagination? Will they get to blow out candles when the electricity comes on after an outage? Will they get to sit under a tree looking up into the sky finding shapes in the clouds?

I do not consider the experiences I am hoping for as poverty. I can say as a Jamaican that the direction we are heading into as a nation is what is leading us into poverty. We are losing human resources daily, and this idea of Jamaica is what our society is beginning to accept as the norm.

I am sure again that there are people who desire to experience the memories I have mentioned, among others. But will it be safe for us to enjoy our Island home Jamaica? Will we feel safe to invest which would make a difference in the lives of our people? Will we be able to work together to create a country with a culture, all Jamaicans can be proud of?

I am always told “When you are in Jamaica it feels different.” but what is being displayed from my perspective does not reflect my dream of Jamaica. But I will keep dreaming because no one can stop me from dreaming, and my experiences are mine to share if even just with words.