5 Tips to A Successful Marriage

Growing up I was privileged to a front-row seat of observing what a marriage was like between two people who were determined to make their marriage and family work in the good or not so good seasons they faced. They weathered any storm faced and rejoiced together in the sunshine. Their children would grow up in a home saturated with love and respect. Having a vivid and ever-developing image in my head of my parents who have now been married for 37 years, I ventured out into the world to find a partner who would love me, and I would love him like I observed my parents doing for many years.

After failed attempts of establishing a relationship that would lead to me being married possible starting a family a goal I had for myself, I came to the conclusion that what my parents displayed in their marriage was a guide to what could work and not a blueprint for me to follow. Most of my friends were happy focusing on their careers and I figured I would do the same, but having just a career would not work for me. More than anything, I desired a husband and children to love. I was destined to venture on “The Road Less Traveled” to have both a career and a family. I learned that I did not know what I wanted and I would only find my husband, a loving partner only by surrendering my will and emotions to God because after all, He knows me best and knows what I need for the future. God has worked wonders in my life and now I am married to my best friend from elementary school. I do not doubt that God brought us together and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my first love.

Since being married, I have come into the understanding that marriage requires work from both individuals involved if it is going to be functional. I have only five years of experience and have learned 5 very crucial steps to surviving the first five years and wanted to share them to encourage young couples like myself. Marriage is indeed a beautiful union and we should strive to encourage each other.

Invest Time Into Growing Spiritually

As a Christian couple, Jesus comes first so always invest in growing spiritually individually and as a couple. No matter how we would want to take the credit for the one who knows our partner best we need to understand that Jesus knows and understand him or her more than we will ever do after all he is our creator. Life is filled with ups and downs. We have all faced some downtimes that have shaped how we respond when faced with similar situations. We might have spent years protecting ourselves because certain experiences we do not want to relive and in so have unintentionally closed avenues in our hearts to our spouses. Our spouses that deserve to and most time wants to know and understand us more deeply.

I am of the opinion that as Christians, we are to love each other the way God has loved us. When we spend time allowing ourselves to grow in God, understanding the grace and mercy He extends to us when we are at our worst, we too become more merciful. God loves us unconditionally and wants to teach us to love our spouses the very same. As Christian couples, we must seek God for ourselves, allowing Him to gradually heal the broken places in our hearts, setting us free to love. We must allow Him to remove all the barriers we have built around our hearts in the name of protection. We should aim at finding freedom in Him and not in a character trait that makes us appear strong to the world and is a wedge between two people becoming one. Express to your partner the difference a marriage with God at the centre makes. Let him or her know the way you want to be loved only Jesus can reveal to him/her. Jesus knows the darkest corners and the most painful places we try to hide. He alone can grant the wisdom, grace understanding to navigate the broken places. Jesus is the model for loving each other the way our Heavenly Father loves us.

In A Marriage We Must Learn To Trust

Trust is crucial in a healthy marriage and partners I believe from my experience should find ways to reassure the one they love in rational ways. Trust is like a foundation that is built with each deliberate act of reassurance. Trust is like an elevator needed to take any marriage to higher levels of fulfilment. Many couples are stuck and will not move forward because of the level of trust they have for each other. Each individual has been hurt so many times that instead of moving forward and living a rewarding life, they stand on the sidelines shielding their hearts waiting for their partner to prove they cannot be trusted. Life has taught them how painful it is for someone to betray their trust and in their hearts, they are preventing themselves at any cost from experiencing the brutal pain of heartbreak that in the past shock their core. I was on the sideline myself after my short-lived experiences that I believe had their place in helping me to understand clearly what I wanted and what would not work for me.

Learning to trust each other requires us becoming vulnerable sharing what caused us to hurt in the past, what is causing us to hurt now, what may cause us to hurt in the future. This is not an opportunity to control your partner with your fears as being in love and afraid because of past heartbreak can cloud one’s judgment. Trust requires us to reassure our partners daily. Finding ways to let them know you are still the one I love, you are whom I chose, leading to your partner feeling safe and wanted. Trust requires us being open about the details of our lives, not just the good but everything that makes us who we are. Your partner wants to know you more in-depth, leading to them trusting you even more. It is hard for anyone to trust a person who is closed and unpredictable. When building trust be reliable, building your partner’s confidence in who you are as a person. Trust takes time to develop, and as married couples, we should continuously aim at finding ways for our partners to trust us. When we are reliable, allowing them to be confident in the relationship, we will see the growth that leads to a fulfilling life of lasting love.

In A Marriage We Must Learn To Forgive

Forgiveness in a marriage is a necessity if your intention is growing and moving forward. When our partners are sincere and genuinely sorry, we must put ourselves aside in love and give them the opportunity to express to us what they were thinking when they caused us to hurt. I have learned that at times the events that cause us to hurt were not intentional and the thinking behind what was done to hurt us was not directed towards us. We must take into consideration that marriage is two people becoming one and there will be some friction before we learn to coexist in the same space. Even when we do learn to coexist, keep in mind that people are always growing and changing. So in marriage together you will endure many seasons. When we learn to say sorry quickly, discuss the events that unfolded that caused pain, reassure each other of what we want moving forward, we can continue on our journey of love. If your partner is aware that if they say they are sorry, no mercy or understanding will be given he/she will less likely admit when they are wrong leading to resentment and a feeling of continual failure on their part. Your partner will reach to a place where they do not even try.

When mercy is given, your partner will be grateful and try his/her hardest to shield your heart from hurting if they are in the marriage for the long haul. When I mentioned earlier that we must put ourselves aside forgiving, I was talking about two people who are dedicated to making it through the good times and bad at any cost. There is no marriage that I know of in which there is smooth sailing all the time. In marriage, we will face challenges, we will cause the one we love to hurt, they will cause us to hurt, but the key is to apologize forgive and move on quickly. Remember, there are no perfect humans. Talk things over discussing what could have been done differently and give room for growth so that things will look different in the future when similar situations arise. When your partner is showing growth and trying to do better let them know you see their effort. 

Teamwork Makes The Dream Work

Teamwork makes the dream work. I believe that a marriage is like the human body. Just like the human body is made up of different systems, all interdependent playing a vital role in the body, functioning efficiently and leading to daily survival. Remove just one of these systems, and the body cannot function at its optimum capacity.

The same goes for a marriage. Each partner has a vital role to play in the successful maintenance of the marriage. The only difference between the systems at work in our bodies and the systems at work in our marriage is that the roles in a marriage are interchangeable. Each system in our body performs one specific function, however as couples, our duties and responsibilities can be interchanged. In fact, I believe that interchanging roles and responsibilities or even undertaking tasks together is essential to the longevity of our relationships. This way, one partner doesn’t feel bogged down with a specific task or feels like they are alone. We all know our particular roles in the relationship; however, it won’t hurt (in fact it will do a world of good) to undertake some of our tasks together.

As humans, we are social beings and thrive on regular interaction with others (especially interaction with our partners). It might sound strange, but in marriage, especially one in which there are children, teamwork is often required for you and your partner to spend time together. A few nights ago, my husband and I played Yahtzee together for the very first time. This was only possible through teamwork. We both worked together to get dinner prepared, feed our twin daughters and making sure they both got a bath. We worked together to put them to bed on time. We had a great night together playing Yahtzee with our teenage son while the girls slept.

In a marriage, one cannot have a closed mind to what their roles are leading to functionality because life is not an open book with all the instructions for us to follow. Life will present us as humans with challenges thrusting us at times into seasons that require us to take on roles we had no clue we could function in. Being a team player in any marriage requires that we adapt quickly having not just our interest at heart but what is in the best interest of our family. There will be times in a marriage when one partner will be required to pull his/her weight taking on the majority of what needs to be done in order for the marriage to work (in sickness). When this occurs, it is up to us to cheer on that partner allowing him or her to know that what they are doing is important, appreciated and the daily functions required to keep the marriage and family going would not be possible without them. Reassure your partner in times when they are doing the majority of what is required that if the table should turn you would rise to the occasion and support them the very same. For this reason, it is wise for each partner to have an understanding of the roles being carried out by each individual so that in the case of an emergency, they can fill the gaps.

Communication Is Key

Whatever it is that you require always give. Communication is crucial and Your partner is not a mind reader. Therefore, creating an atmosphere in which your partner can express him/herself is of utmost importance. I can remember when I just got married, I would endure things I did not like and stuff them inside. My idea of communication was keeping things smooth, scratching the surface and allowing the dust to fly for me was a sign that our marriage was going in the wrong direction. I would refuse to talk things over in hopes that with time things would become better. This strategy does not work. I would find myself angry after weeks and because the issues were not being discussed, I was upset and could not explain why I was. When I would get to the place where I had to spill what I was feeling many times the situation at hand did not warrant my response, it was weeks of built-up pressure sometimes months. It would lead to great misunderstanding between us.

Learning how to communicate our emotions was something we had to do by making a conscious effort. My husband was very intuitive and knew when I was about to stuff what I was feeling and shut down and would then step in and create the atmosphere needed for me to express myself. He would reassure me stating that we are in this together, we are determining what our marriage will look like, and it is important for us to talk about what we are facing. He would provide me with the opportunity to speak then or at a convenient time when we were both not heated. We both wanted our marriage and we were both putting in the work. I would reach out to him many times, especially when I was wrong to let him know I was sorry for hurting him. We acknowledged we were both not perfect and that we were going to figure it out to the end and gave each other room to be human. When I say provide room to be human, I am not talking about outside parties. I am talking about what unfolds between us, how we communicate and learn about each other. I had to learn that my husband was not a mind reader and neither am I, so talking things over and giving each other the opportunity to express without interruption was key.

Thinking you are right can be the enemy, sometimes you have to let go of your rights and allow your partner the opportunity to explain him/herself, or you will never understand the way he or she thinks. This can lead to a partner taking offence over something very simple. Let us try to remember we grew up in different or sometimes similar situation, but no two households are the same. You learned and interpret life through your experiences your partner the same. We can learn to see things the way our partners do, they the way we do, or we can take the good from both our experiences through communication creating a more efficient model leading to success. Remember, always allow your partner the opportunity to speak without interruption. This can be very hard when we are feeling emotions that we need to express but talking over each other will get us nowhere. In fact, many people hide behind the chaos of talking over each other because they do not want to deal with the truth. Speak, listen, analyze what’s being said then respond. Allow your partner to do the same.

These are 5 tips I believe will lead to a marriage being successful. These are areas that my husband and I are continually working on. I believe with time, we become more effective in communicating, trusting each other, working as a team, forgiving when we are hurt and growing spiritually.  I have been married for five years, which is not a long time, but I firmly believe they are areas that we will always be required to grow in because life is made up of different seasons. Some seasons will be manageable others will be rough and seem they are made to destroy everything we hold dear. Remember others before us endured hard times and they are still together! Let us continue as married couples to understand that we are not in our marriage alone but that God is the foundation of our union. His desire is not to see us fail! He will walk with us all the way if we allow Him to!

Please feel free to comment below or send me an email . I am looking forward to hearing from you and what you have learned over your years of being married.

kimberlee@kimberleewright.com